December 6, 2012
Sensations drive my
behavior. When I feel the slightest bit of hunger gargles in my gut I eat,
droopy eyelids cause me to prepare for bed (whether I can go to sleep or not is
a different story!) pain itches along the instep draws my fingers to massage
the affected area, smell of impending rain prompts me to bolt up from the chair to close the many
windows, writing follows anger and joy, loneliness and happiness bring on the intolerance to sit
still.
Spent some of the day meditating (after sharing the pool with the pg woman) and feel incredibly grateful for my progress in many areas. As the rain falls, I generate some insights..
When do I consider
myself “free?” Today, this hour, minute, second. Stopped by life itself, the
momentum of my being shifted and buried sensations uproot and fly out of
control with an injury that keeps me grounded like an airplane covered in ice. Ha.
Hard to escape myself and the inevitable endless spinning disjointed thoughts since the accident. Surrounded by my breath, voice, anger, tears, criticisms, judgments, humor at someone’s expense and
my deployment. Hopelessness as a framework is not acceptable nor helpful. I am
a human being and can’t give up on myself, my life, my ideals simply because I
cannot follow the path I felt I was intended for. Dealing with my Self has
never been easy so I ran to the next house, city, country, situation. Reaction is a
choice. How did I not realize that?
I am more than the
worst thing I have ever done. Finding better ways to cope. Tremendous
compassion, love and support for me here in Sao Paulo and around the world has made these
past six weeks bearable.
Thank you to everyone
for being there for me…even though you wish, hope, pray I would be more
pragmatic and listen! …and inhale exasperation at my resistance…
Ate amanha!
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