Under the weather

April 25, 2013

I honestly did not require more material for my blog yet, as it turns out, I have just that.

The health care group’s dedicated team committed to performing and offering pre and post services for my foot surgery will not permit me to schedule the operation until I am fully covered by insurance. The Human Services program switched me from one representing county to another so the wait time is extended even further out. Approval or not will be determined in another 30 to 45 days. I feel out of integrity seeking traditional employment with the understanding that I will be “out” on medical leave or incapacitated for six weeks or more. Hm…where to go from here?

If I allow myself to feel the despairing disappointment or let the daunting circumstances seep-in I can go into a hideous downward spiral. I realize I am not dying, I am not homeless, I am not bedridden, I am not hungry nor tired nor poor yet the utter discouragement and sense of being OUT OF CONTROL is overwhelming.

There are a few comfortable places with caring friends I can stay for as long as I need to yet I yearn for my own bed, own pillow and the ability to run naked for the phone if I feel the urge. I am a burden no matter what anyone claims. It seems as though I am at the mercy of the system. Individual representatives whom, even after hearing my pathetic story, my exasperating circumstances, have no creative nor alternative solutions. The accusatory silence on the other end of the phone is frightening. I can only stop myself from explanations that lead me nowhere or actually to the end of the shame, guilt and fear line. Without a life preserver or paddle.

So, I clean the house, scrub, dust, wipe, scour, vacuum and chase around animal hair while bleeding contempt with sweat and vigor. If I were someone else perhaps, I would get rip-roaring drunk or eat the entire contents in the sparkling clean refrigerator until I vomited. I seethe, thinking I should be able to dredge up an ocean of tears or run screaming bloody murder out the back door into the dark of night. I feel numb, blind, inept and droopy-eyed weary.

Get out my list of potential venues for a friend’s book signing event and start making phone calls. At least I can feel productive and shout out the hole in my oozing gut.