Foot fetish

April 12, 2013

My foot is not healing properly. I have broken several of the screws embedded in the bone and others are working their way out of the plate. There is a gap where there should not be one so unexpected extensive surgery is in order. I need a CT and an operation that will put me in a boot and I will be unable to bear weight on my foot for six weeks time. Since the X-ray this morning, my foot has been throbbing more and I dart looks of disgust and fury at it. The Blame Game is my opponent as I drive from one side of the Cities to another, from the HealthPartners clinic to Panera for grilled cheese (I wouldn’t recommend it as a comfort food which I was shooting for!) heading to an informational interview that Wonder Woman aced, then back across town thru pre-rush hour traffic. I am dog-sitting Darling Dylan and may veg in front of the television tonight.

Even though I am fully committed to attending all four subsequent interviews required to secure a position with X company as a Relocation Specialist it sounds grueling and perilous to my well-being. There is one spot available and this corporation aligns their philosophy with the Gallop polls. I see the cheery faces as I launch through the sleek yet somehow homey lobby. The philanthropic owner published a book which I took the opportunity to flip through while another poorly qualified candidate (did I just write that?) spoke of her great accomplishments and job history.

On my way up to the 5^th floor, I stopped the elevator and meandered around the fourth floor just to check out the space and chat with passerby employees. Everyone seemed Stepford wife smiley and walked with springs in their steps. Seems like a nice enough place to hang my hat for awhile. If I do get the chance to move up the ladder to the next dog and Paula show I will take a bit more time in the building, playing the part as a janitor, copy repair person or candy vendor to find out more of the inside scoop about company X!

Hot seat

April 11, 2013

She turned down the quilt from her hot body, shedding the waves of searing energy from the sweaty skin of her stomach, upper thighs, chest and neck. The intensity of cold air whirling across the bare flesh felt so cool and welcoming. It was the churning cool dark of the night that forced her eyes open to gasp in wonder at the time. Hardly the hour to arise out of bed and dress for the day. The bleak line of light that crept in from beneath and around the window’s edge glared from the other side of the vast room. Another week has flown by, hiding from admittedly numerous insufficient attempts at gainful productivity and thwarted necessary income. A lurch in her gut made her consider the next few weeks of familiar hunger and the hardened companionship resembling disappointment.  

Where will this one more tiresome day if introspection take her? What can she shift and accept that was missed the first contrary time around? Who will swoop down and rescue her from her own poor decisions and disadvantaged choices? Where is the promise of turn of events that cantered with joy like the Groundhog that recognized his shadow on the unbearably long and endless white winter season? Relief and the initial excitement of personal assessment alludes her in the growing light of the day.

Receding darkness licked her daring thoughts of whizzing away from the city lights in her vehicle, the big lumbering and expectant dog in tow. The candor of attempted escape and unauthorized consent brought a cast-off smile across her fuzzy teeth. Her participation is a necessary step to being a responsible grown-up. Counting her blessings should make it all acceptable. If only she could wear that like the heat of her soft tissue in the wee hours of the morning, in this moment, forever.

Meet the President

April 9, 2013

One friend suggested I look into a professional packing career! Well, if I cannot locate my own toothbrush, that might prove to be a challenge. Hate to think those Q-tips clients would lose the sack of Depends.

Too much creamed coffee and not enough planning led me to an incomplete 2012 tax return, frustration around a specific and unique Cover Letter and stellar Resume, organizing the complex journey over the weekend that avoids expending too much gas. Sure.

Jumping from one idea to the next, spinning in circles and at the end of the day, I do not have a clue if I accomplished anything or simply complicated my life. Suppose I can create list of what an accomplished day would actually look or feel like!

The other job seekers and I look across the table from one another with blank stares and starry eyes. We have a plethora of information now, ungodly list of websites to browse and research to generate. Oh boy! As they say, we are six people away from meeting the President of the United States. So, it should not be that tricky to get a job…right?

Class clown

April 10, 2013

Overnight ice and snow sent a thrill up and down my spine like a child pulling out the sled to clumber onto the hilltop and careen down with abandon. Of course I have not been struggling with the dirty slopes on the side of the road, incessant shoveling, treacherous driving in it and despite inevitable layers, constant shivering for the past six months. Lucky me!

Seems counter-intuitive to revel in the winter yet I feel comfortable and even lighthearted acceptance since my attention and devotion revolves around the job hunt, tax preparation, bill paying and commitment to Taelor and Tyrus.

Workforce class with other job huntsman makes for an interesting week. The scuttle-butt in the corporate world is NOT solely dependent upon the umpteen emails from Job Boards so I am thrilled to not have to sit on the laptop for hours on end and respond to the URGENT job postings they throw my way. Too many balls to juggle!

Bedraggled to professionally attired folks surround the rectangular tables with grim, turned down mouths to bright and cheery anticipatory attitudes make up the class. The stagnant energy, oblivious to all of the employment opportunities we are “missing out on” takes us backwards to assess core values, marketable skills and specific examples of making a difference. It is tedious, brutally extensive and inevitably helpful.

Have an informational interview so I am required to prepare a new and improved version of my Resume. Most of the participants have one version of the document and I stagger under my all-embracing pile of options.  

Where is my toothbrush?

April 9, 2013

I am staying in the fifth place since my return three weeks ago. Being completely mobile and working out of a suitcase for even one night takes preparation and organization. What accessories do I need to be absolutely comfortable? What small item would I miss if I didn’t have it? How much can actually fit in the vehicle? When I get an interview this week, do I have the proper and professional attire to accommodate that? Is Tyrus going to behave?

As a guest in someone’s home I am ultra aware of the messiness of life. Or at least my life! Realizing I have moved necessities from one bag to the next, into my glove compartment, my briefcase, purse, laptop cover, jacket pocket, under the car seat, stored in my friend’s pull barn and unavailable or…yikes, where is it? I was taught by my ex that I need to put things in the same spot every single time I place it down somewhere. That has become an impossible rule to follow. I can barely recall what I had for breakfast let alone where I put my toothbrush in that “safe and perfectly accessible” spot!

With my crunchy snack bar and trusty stainless steel water bottle I arrive at my week long training class to assist the job seeker hat that is currently perched on my head. I thank my supportive and understanding friends from the bottom of my heart. Good thing Tyrus is flexible and gets along well with Sammie though he tends to steal his bed while Sam has his back turned!

Job Junkie

April 8, 2013

“Get a job” he blared out the cracked truck window as I cringed from the passenger seat. Wow, and to think I have been in the job search mode for the last three weeks, understanding more and more about myself, the lack of confidence and loss I feel around being productive. A blast from the Antarctic projects across the front seat to my ears and emits grief from my pores. This ingenuous man is seething with anger at “Them, those who are stealing the money from his wallet and are using the system, etc.” It takes courage to step forward, open my mouth and begin my story, explaining how each and every waking day is for me while I am unemployed. I am not living, breathing, being unemployment yet that is how it can show up when I hear the attitude expelling from someone who really does not have a clue about representing job seekers.

Sorted Affairs

April 7, 2013

Gloomy MN Sunday. My friend asked if I was bored since I requested the dog scoop to collect the piles in the vast yard this morning. A lot of composting dog food lies in the grass given three dogs live here. I haven’t thought about being bored for years now. When I have nothing to do, which is rare these days, I read (generally three books simultaneously) and write, contact my friends around the world and brush out the now shedding dog. The concept of boredom isn’t a predominant issue in my active life. The television is not a distraction since I have not connected to a cable system for many years now. My daughter did not grow up with a large collection of tv stations. We used our television as an avenue of viewing movies we mostly borrowed from the local library.

As I help prepare a close friend’s substantial house for the Market, I recall my last harried cross-country move. For as much as I downsized, sorted, processed through, disengaged from and donated, recycled, threw away packed and re-packed there was still far more excess than I imagined.  I detect  the horrified frustration and suppressed anger when my friend unexpectedly opens the cabinets to hide something from the realtor and discovers a stuffed set of shelves to deal with at a later date. Overwhelm is a constant drag on the heart and soul. The realization that we are collectors, hoarders, savers for the just-in-case-I-need-this-in-the-future mentality is daunting.  

My Sorted Affairs business clients made me more vigilant downsizing in my own home though I collected far too many books and shoes than I needed. I had two empty boxes set by the front door to fill each time I walked through a room which helped in the end yet didn’t take away from the fact that it was painstaking to go through each and every little object and have to make a dead man walking decision about it. The sentimentality around the items, circumstances around the object’s existence, experience around retaining it and what to do with it in the final days stopped me in my tracks more often than not.

Letting go of a home let alone all of the past memories that ride along like the dog who has no clue he is headed for the vet’s office for inoculations versus a play date at the Dog Park brings consternation to the heart. If we do not judge ourselves through a difficult and agonizing process we will be more at peace. Changing, shifting, growing and accepting are painful yet understandably a substantial part of our lives. If we didn’t have those experiences, we may not recognize the undeniable joyful ones.