November 30, 2012
Throughout my life I blare
loud enough for whomever is pulling my strings “This is it, I don’t want to do
this anymore, it’s too much, I am DONE!” and here I am again, perilous
unwilling victim to my provoking teacher at the end of my left leg. An absurd time
that springs to mind is smack dab in the middle of a day of child labor. After
hours of nonproductive pushing generating profane language and buckets of
sweat, the infant crowns only to be retracted back into a feud with the
umbilical cord stubbornly secure around the right shoulder, I suggest to Rita,
my unshakable midwife, “I want to go home and finish up tomorrow.”
Becoming more familiar
with disappointment as each day slithers by. Hope stirs this relationship since
it sets up ridiculous unrealistic expectations for a fully mobile subsequent 16
hours. At dawn I glance down as I drape my overstretched misshapen bandage ‘round
the shriveled calf while disenchantment creeps in. The appendage on my left
foot is my adversary, one who will not obey and function fully. This lousy
foot!
In the practice of Tonglen,
(Pema Chodron has Youtube presentations on this) I send my patience, love and healing
massage energy to all of those people close to me who are suffering from utter disillusionment
from this is not my life I want out! Then I extend to the individuals who branch
out from my friends and family. Now to groups and communities of people who are
struggling with the same and finally anyone in the world who has a challenging relationship
with their left foot or something just as painful. My suffering wanes when I
consider just how much I have in spite of the hideous unrelenting inner left
heel. The throb turns into dull ache reduced to a twinge.
Getting ready to go to a
party at 7:53…kid’s birthday…Friday night and I am tired! The chocolate is sure
to wake me up!
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